A level of petty I can get with 🤣
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If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there