Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
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Beware of the dog..
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
sugar glider wrangler
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
me after eating Cheetos
Breaking news:
this is the best day of my life
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.