Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
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ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
me hooking up with my ex
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*