“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
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Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.