Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
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employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*