Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
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I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
what are they serving at kfc then???
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see