I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
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One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
A wise man once said nothing.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster