If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
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Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
“HELP WITH CAT”
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
They’re stuck in your pants?
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.