The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
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Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen