As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
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Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”