If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try