B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
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NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Thoughts
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”