Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
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[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I know
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.