God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
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None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.