nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶