Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
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I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I’m giving up for Lent.