What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
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Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.