Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
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[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Breaking news:
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear