C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today