My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
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To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?