I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
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My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….