“I will cook for you.” I threatened
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Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
The Wolf of Wall Street.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.