my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
You Might Also Like
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport