Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
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[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Twitter fine art
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”