John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
You Might Also Like
WTF
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
A bold strategy
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”