where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
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Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.