Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
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Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!