Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
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[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog