older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
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She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
A leaf blower, but for people.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”