Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
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“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Cow it started Cow it’s going
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened