my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
You Might Also Like
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I’d hang this in my house.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.