me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
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Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.