(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
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ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
What if all the cashiers are married?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.