Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
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These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Oceanography is all about current events
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
accurate
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running