[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
You Might Also Like
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.