Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”