And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
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Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.