[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
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T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.