ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
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Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
ok like just. call me at this point
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
the last thing a carrot sees
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.