Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
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My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
looks legit
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”