“just sayin” who asked you though?
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What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Comparing yourself to others
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Remember folks 😂
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
a lot to unpack here
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.