Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
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We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.