Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
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Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them