T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
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Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Confused owl: What?!
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.