The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
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Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.