A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
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Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade