I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
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My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse