Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
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Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.