Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
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[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?