Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
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lol
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.